Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Sunday, July 16, 2006


So the last few months have been, umm, interesting. I will first bring my last few entries up to date, or at least try to (as I refuse to go back and re-read them; I'll end up deleting and I don't like to do that for the principality of it all). So I will try, like I said, to update this blog from memory.
First, my dad. We are back to co-existing and being civilized. I am at a point where I have figured out how to tell whether or not he has taken his happy pills for the day. I have also learned that even though my parents bring in a ridiculous amount of money, and his monthly "allowance" is almost what I make in a week, he's usually broke from e-bay or gambling by mid month, and becomes a bastard. I stay away after about the 15th. With these tell tale signs of "how he will be today," I co-exist.
Now with the guy. And I may have gone back and deleted an entry or two, simply because he knows that this page exists, but I also may not have. I remember thinking about it, but not whether or not I did it...
He is currently a friend of mine. He is still one of the few people in Las Vegas that I trust. Trust for me, by the way, means that I have faith that he is both honest with me and is concerned with my well being. Anyhow, I have come to realize that (along with that which is my M.O. for life) things are the way they are for a reason. I've done alot of self-evaluating lately, and to tell you the truth, I've surprised myself.
I have learned that I really do think I am a "good person." I care about other people, I make decent decisions, and I try to "live" my life. I have learned that I am smart, and I have learned to deal with the fact that I won't be taken seriously by everyone all the time. I have learned that I am witty, and while my off-beat sense of humor may not appeal to EVERYone, most people who matter in my life appreciate it. I have learned that I am sexy. I know that not EVERYone thinks I'm hot, but that I AM to some people, most importantly, to myself.
With all this being said, with the fact that at this ripe old age of 26, I have come to a point where I am happy with ME, I look at him and see that he doesn't seem to be where I am yet. And (I know I risk sounding arrogant here, but it's MY blog, damnit!!) what I kind of see lately is that I would be VERY good for him, but I'm not so sure that he'd be very good for me. And I know, in my heart of hearts, that he is one of my soul ties. I click with him the way I click with people who have been a part of my life for many, many years. But right now, at this time, what I need and what he needs appear to be two very different things.
So that's that.

Now on to the other guy that's been occupying space in my mind and life.
He's older. As in, not an old man, but he could have been my babysitter when I was an infant.
I've known him for a year. The entire time, I have been DRAWN to him, as in, you know that person in your life you'd just like to bang? That's what he's been for me. I think he's been mentioned in previous blogs, probably many many months ago. Anyhow, we started to actually get to know eachother. Go out for drinks, talking on the phone, etc...
Before I was interested beyond the sex factor (and we have NOT slept together -- well, we haven't had sex, but that was all I was interested in up to a certain point), he was very obvious in that he was interested. When we drink (and I'm not talking college kegger sloshed, I'm talking drinks at a sportsbar), he has no problem telling me that we're perfect for eachother. When I started showing him attention, or showing him favor over the guy he's been under the impression I've been sleeping with (another story...), he started to play the game. We went through a week of who can ignore who longer and who will give in.
Last week, we finally got back to normal.
I am, by the way, too old for all of this.
Anyhow, he called me drunk in the middle of the night from some chick's place.
Yeah. On a weeknight. Didn't show up for work the next day.
When he did come in the following day, he appologized "for the drunk dial."
I asked him to call me later so we could get together.
He said okay, I'll give you a call. This was Friday.
He didn't call. He texted me on Saturday.
I gave him a short response and haven't spoken to him since.
I guess what bothers me is that we've become friends. I would think MY FRIEND would have more respect for me than that.
Truth be told, the conversation I wanted to have with him on Friday was the "either we're going to try this, and this is what I need if we do.... or lose my number unless it's work related" conversation.
He just turned it into the "lose my number - no disclaimer" conversation.

I am a firm believer in that with each relationship we get closer and closer to what we are looking for in the person we end up with. This is why the breakups get harder as we get older. Each person is a little bit more ideal than the last.
I saw so much of what I'm looking for in a man in him...
BELIEVE me, he's not like some GQ, sugar-daddy, prim and propper man. But that's also not what I'm necessarily looking for. So many things in his charecter are what I need in someone else.
Unfortunately, he's still playing games...

Sooooooooooooo, I think I've brought this up to date. And I STILL must say, if you're trying to keep up with what's up in SandyLandy (ahem, you KNOW who you are), check out my myspace page. I have over a hundred blogs archived...

Ten times out of ten these will be "deeper," there will always be "more of me" in this writing, because that is read by many people... If you have this particular link (this blogspot link) because I gave it to you, then I sincerely value you and your opinion, and whether I speak to you once a day or once a year, you have become a very important person in my life and my heart. But the link to the masses is as follows::


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