Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

What is it to care about someone who doesn't care about you back? What is it to not be able to tell someone how you feel about them, but to not know why? Is it insecurity? Is it a fear of rejection? Is it crazy? For me, well, it's safe.
I don't want to play the "kid with a sob story" role here, but I grew up knowing what it was like to love someone who didn't love me back. When my little cousin was in town and I was exhausted from running with him all week, late bed times and waking up early for work, my sister kept saying, don't worry about it, spend time with him tomorrow.
There was no way. NO WAY.
I can remember sitting in the front window, all dressed up, my huggime pillow in my arms, waiting. Waiting. Daddy was supposed to come and pick us up. And I didn't believe he wasn't coming. And when he didn't, I couldn't figure out why, what had I done wrong, what had I done to make him not love me or so mad at me that he wouldn't come and get us today?
I loved him. And he didn't love me back.
Now, twenty years later, I find myself still looking to the guy that isn't looking back, and shunning the guy that is. I don't know any other way to be.
I know that I am wrong. I know that I do this to myself. I just don't know how NOT to...


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