Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Monday, April 10, 2006

So you think you know...

...Wow. Can you say preconceived notion? I guess I have them more than I'd like to admit. Tonight I learned several things about several people, including myself. I learned that a guy that I thought was kind of well, a misunderstood dickweed, is well, just misunderstood. He's going through some things that hopefully he can get through okay, and with God's good graces will never go through again. I also learned that he's been through some things that I only have yet to look forward to, and to tell the truth it scares me...
I learned that while drunk I don't edit my opinionated self as much as I should. I learned that while most lesbians I know are NOT stereotypical, the stereotype exists for a reason: I work with her.
I learned that I am afraid. I am afraid of love and of hurt, that I am really good at pushing people away, and I am even better at clinging to the unattainable, because the unattainable holds no threat.

I know that I am scared. I've been scared for a long time. It's a combination of not being able to trust, I think that comes from my upbringing, and then my experience so far with men in general. It's hard to look at the words and see what they say. It's hard to take the picture at face value. And I hate that.

OFF this subject: Is he gay? Damnit, ARE YOU GAY? If you're reading this, I haven't asked you because 1. I don't trust you to be honest answering me, 2. I'm afraid that you are, and that's why I care about you - because you're unattainable, 3. I'm afraid that you're not, because if you're not, then why haven't you called me? My GOD, if you are, PLEASE come out to me!!! If you're not, then let me know somehow - ask me out to dinner, or tell me about a girl that you're seeing.... Give me something!!!

Man, I'm not drinking on work nights anymore...

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