Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Control

I was in church with my gram today; it's palm Sunday and the day that they read the passions... Church is packed, standing room and illegal parking only, not enough service books to go around. Cheesters (Christmas and Easter worshipers). I am almost a Cheester, about one level up on them. Woke up late, we ended up going to the noon mass. I am standing there looking at the new priest, thinking "why can't he be a minister instead ;)". Listening, singing, up and down.
All of the sudden, out of NOwhere, my body temp changed, felt a cold sweat. My bones became like what I imagine Gumbie's were made out of. I couldn't get enough air. The fact that there wasn't enough air didn't scare me - I've had anxiety attacks before and I understand that if I don't freak out, the air will come in. It was the feeling of extreme drunkenness, not being able to get the words out, trying to tell my Gram that we have to go NOW.
Scary... I made it out into the courtyard, some nice woman was trying to ask me where she could get palms, but (and I'm sorry, cause I probably came off ignorant) I couldn't say anything to her except no-i'm sorr-i have to go... Which doesn't in anyway even tell her that I CAN'T answer her question, let alone actually answer it. Scary...'
My gramma found the bathroom, my stommie was spinning. Thought I'd throw up, which I hate doing and will at ALL costs avoid doing in a public restroom, church or otherwise. But when I got into the stall I slid down onto to seat and just sat with my head between my legs. My mouth was bone dry... Dehydrating? Don't quite know...
Got up after a minute, ran cold water over my wrists. We left, went to McD's for water (closest place available).
I feel 100x better now; I was sooooo scared. For those not in the know, I don't get high. EVER. And I only drink occassionally, when I do I never get so drunk that I don't know what's going on. Principle? No. I just don't like not being in control of my mind or body. Today scared the crap out of me, because for a short while I lost control, and not as a direct result of anything I've done or not done...

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