Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Because We're Supposed To

We have all these things that we are supposed to do. We know this - this is what our families have instilled in us, this is what society has told us since we were old enough to listen. When I was a little girl, I had a Playskook Kitchen. I was 5, and my toy was a kidsized kitchen, complete with pots, pans, and plastic food.
Once we hit a certain age, if we're not married, the question becomes "why not?".
For some of us, success and happiness are one in the same. For some of us, love and happiness are the same thing, and for others still, we can have success and love and still not be happy.
So what is supposed to happen? And, according to who (whom?)? Is it what should happen based on what society tells us? What should happen as far as satisfying our own hearts?
I don't know.
I know that there are certain things that I don't want to compromise. I don't want to commit to a career until I know that I will be doing something that can fulfill me in some way. If that means I'm saving lives or helping my own children receive an education, I will have to serve a purpose in my career.
In marraige, well, I have to want it. It won't be because I'm SUPPOSED to get married because I'm this age now or because we've been together and this is the next step. It will be because the person I am ready to commit my soul to is a person that I could absolutely NOT imagine my life without. I want to grow old with you.
Ideally, my husband will be someone who can hold their own when we argue, have things that he likes to do that are DIFFERENT from my interests, and be someone that I can love passionately.
I won't have kids until I'm ready. I just won't do it. And I will say that, hi, the people that are responsible enough not to make babies before they are ready are the people that will make the best parents, I KNOW I will be a great mom. But I won't bring kids in until the marraige portion is securely in place.
And this is what I need for me.
Society disagrees.
I'm going to be 26 in three weeks.
When my mom was my age, her oldest daughter was in kindergarden and her youngest was already 2.
But I can't, I can't compromise. Am I supposed to? Is what I want supposed to happen naturally once I start doing the things that I "should," or will the things that "should" happen come naturally once I have fulfilled my heart?
I know that I am still scared to death of growing up.
I think that I am one of the love/happiness people.
The success factor, in my mind, is circumstancial.
So knowing that I want to be happy, and happiness for me ties in with love, which falls under my marraige/kids category, COULD I?
There are very few people in my life that I could see myself spending my "growing old" years with. And truthfully, these are peole that will probably have nothing to do with my marraige (lol, at least not at this juncture!), but I know will be in my life regardless...
So does my "love" have to be one in the same as marraige? And do I only question this because I've never been in a relationship that marraige has been a forseeable option (except one, and that was illogical and unrealistic...)...
?
I don't know.
I don't even know what it is that my mind is trying to think of right now...

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