Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Friday, September 16, 2005

The Right Thing To Say

For a really long time, I was the "concerned friend." I listened to everyone about everything, and I always had an opinion. My opinion was always logical, uncontroversial, and leaned towards whatever whoever I was talking to wanted to hear. I wouldn't flat out lie, but I would look to the positives first. I was the Silver Lining. I listened, listened, listened... I know a lot about all of my friends.

Then I needed a friend. I really needed one. I went through some stuff with my family and I really needed to be the one spilling my heart. And I didn't have a friend. All of my "friends" were people who wanted to use me as a soundboard, but none of them said, "How are you?". It was depressing. And I went on strike. I stopped calling people. The phone works both ways, why should I always be the one calling? I learned who my real friends are. I have to say, here, however, that there was one. One boy, who I love, who I pushed away, that I could probably marry, that I treated crappy, that was there for me. He was concerned when I didn't sound right on the phone. He helped me when I didn't ask for help. And I pushed him away.

Mostly because I was scared. I was scared because I loved him for who he was. I loved more than anything that we could argue; loved arguing with him. I was scared because I have never been loved back before. Not by someone who has put themselves on the line for me. Not by someone that wasn't afraid to be honest with me. I was afraid because I have never had a long relationship before (well, not very long), and I knew that he might be the one. The one that I know I could spend a LOT of time with (I'm scared right now talking about it, scared to use the term "the r of my l"). And I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. "Why?" he would ask me. I could never tell him. I couldn't let him be an ex boyfriend. I couldn't. I would rather wait a long time to start a relationship with him and possibly end up together than have him be an ex for some stupid young kids type reason. I was scared because I just lost a baby. A baby that I didn't know I was pregnant with until I had the miscarriage, a baby by a boy that I didn't feel this same way about.

Mike, are you reading this? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a screwed up scatterbrained asshole. I love you, you always have a place in my heart. I hope more than anything that you end up happy. I told you what I told you about T.J. to get you to hate me a little bit. I wanted that weirdness to be over with. You know what I am talking about. The way we had to pretend around other people, the way we had to pretend to ourselves. I slept with him one time while we were together, not that we were ever "officially" together, and that was in the beginning when we were not sure about what was going on. I want you to know that it wasn't like I was back and forth, it was only you. The whole time I was saying something like "...not ready for a commitment, to hard..." I was committed. There was only you. I want you to know that. I was just afraid... I cared about you so much. I still do. How many years? You are in my heart. You always will be. I hope you are happy with your life and with whoever you end up with. I regret how things turned out. Things could have been a lot different; things could have been really good, if I weren't such a jerk.
I'm sorry. Thank you for still being my friend. You will always be in my heart, but I really don't feel like I deserve to be in yours.

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