Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Standing on the Edge of something much too deep.

So there are responsible people and there are irresponsible people. In adult life, these are two main personalitiy distinctions. Responsible people tend to be successful. Irresponsible people tend to get by. I, unfortunately, am the latter. You'd think, realizing this, that I could change it. But I am irresponsible. Some times I get pissed at myself. I don't understand why I do some of the things that I do. If I don't understand my own actions, then how in the world is anyone else supposed to be able to? I have an addictive personality. I know that. It's why I strictly limit my time in casinos, why I hardly drank in college (by normal ~ whatever that is ~ standards), and why I will not ever even consider trying any drugs. I know better; I grew up in the environment, it's in my genes, so whatever. But when you have a problem, it will find a way to manifest itself. I try and trick myself into getting addicted to things that are good for me. I figure that if my current addiction can be to cleaning or working out or organization, almost like an o.c., then the need will be gone. But IT'S NEVER GONE. Ever.
I am a preacher. I preach logic. But I don't use it. Unless I'm in a trying situation, then I tend to be more level headed than most. Maybe it's my need to be the hero. I'll listen, I'll be your friend, that's not right, how could you even think about that? This worked for me, I've heard this, I read this somewhere, I WILL HELP YOU FIX IT. Why can I do this for everyone except myself? Maybe if I am so rapped up in other peoples' problems, it gives me an excuse to ignore my own. What is wrong with me?

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