Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

OHMIGOD, no matter what?

Fucking hell. Yeah, half of you HATE that word, but it applies here. I am from a hard-core drug family. HARD CORE. We went through some serious crap, I started adult life in deficit, and very much being my parents' parents because of drugs. And I say no matter what. Alot of my friends dabble with alot of different drugs. Being from the side that sees what happens when it's more than just a Saturday night party, and knowing that EVERYONE starts out doing what they do on Saturday nights at parties, I won't even touch pot.
I watched my parents lose everything. Everything. I watched my uncle go into hiding because he owed the "wrong people" money, and take everything he could get his hands on from my cousins. There are probably two people on this earth outside of my family that know most of the details about what went on durring those terrible, unnecessary years. Even my family members, everything is all hush-hush, so no one knows too much, details-wise.
So when one of these two people tells me a few months ago that she tried coke, okay. Chalk it up to experiment. Then she did it again. And that was it. And that in itself had me so pissed off that I'm shaking right now. Now she tells me that in a moment of weakness, she did it with her ex boyfriend a couple of nights ago. It was a rough night, ended on a bad note for them, and since then she's called his roommate to see if she could get a line.
What I don't understand, what I can not fucking grasp, is why someone who has seen what can happen can be so fucking stupid.
I know my dad didn't wake up one day and say I think I'll be a crack head. Neither did my uncle, or Mike, my mom's old best friend that took me to the water park before I had a new dad. Niether did Leonard, who grew up in my neighborhood with my mom and uncles who is now "in the custody of the state of Illinois," because he kept breaking out of his court-ordered rehab. Leonard's sister didn't ask for the addiction or to have to prostitute herself out to support the habit. Leonard's father, R.I.P., who was shot and killed when the wrong people came to his house looking for his daughter and money. My cousin didn't ask, and didn't offer, for that matter, to file for bankruptcy when he was 22 while he had a son to take care of because his dad took him for all he could.
None of these people said, hey, when i grow up, i'm going to be a druggie.
They didn't sit at the party and say this is the last time i'll take a hit before i'm addicted.
It's killing me. KILLING ME, to hear her talk like this. Like a fucking sausage. I love her too much to have to go through this with her.
I don't care how selfish it is, but I feel like everytime she takes a hit, she's looking at me and saying "Fuck you.". Very calmly, very evenly, just "Fuck you." Like nothing I went through meant anything at all.
We are all on this earth for eachother. We live for eachother and learn from eachother. It's like she's saying she doesn't need to learn from this pain, like she doesn't need to be there for me. Because taking a hit and risking that one little neuron to neuron click that only has to happen once to create an addict, is telling me Fuck You.


  • one of my friends does coke. i was surpirsed by the info. dad says the problem is that you feel so good but coming down is totally depressing and that's why people get addicted. sad sad.

    in other news. we had a store meeting. mandy rubbed teresa the wrong way. i don't know. i broke the foot locker key. mandy's not gonna be thrilled by that, especially with dale in town. eek.

    By Blogger glazed, at 10:14 AM  

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