Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Monday, June 27, 2005

When I Grow Up....

When I grow up, I want to be a marine biologist. An archetect. A paleontologist. I want to be a teacher. I want to run a company, and have my name engraved in a gold name plate on my office door. When I grow up, I want to have a car for work, a car for family vacations, a car for everyday errands, and a car for when we go out on special occasions. When I grow up, I want to have either two kids or three; only three if two of them are twins, and I want the twins first. If there are two, I want a boy and a girl, the boy first. If there are twins, then I want the twins to be girls and the other to be a boy. If i happen to have only two kids, and of the same sex, then I want girls. No matter what, one of my girls' name will be "Serenity (or Serena, or something esle that means absolute peace). When I grow up, I want to live on a block with my best friends so that our kids can grow up together, our husbands can barbque and hang out, and we could all go out unnoticed because all of our loved ones are preoccupied with eachother. When I grow up and get old, I want an R.V., so I can be a history nerd and visit everything that makes this country what it is, when you clock out from work.
I have said all of these things out loud. I wanted to be all of those things, to do all of those things. There are some of those dreams that I still have; I really hope I find a man that can sit back and enjoy life, and jump in the RV to go and enjoy Niagara Falls. If I have kids, I still want twins. It's in my genes, somewhat, but sometimes I feel like I don't even want kids at all. I no longer feel passionate about finding a career that I love. When I wanted to build dinosaurs, I REALLY wanted to go and dig up some bones in some non-English speaking country. Now, I just want to have a job that doesn't inflict evil upon the general population, that gives me a decent income, and that will allow me to leave for as long as I need to if and when I have children. I no longer need to find a soul mate. I still believe in Soul Ties, and I have many, but I now think that I won't be married unless I make that right decision. I trust myself to do that now; MYSELF, not fate. I'm not worried about living anywhere near my childhood friends. I think the world will be a better place, as a matter of fact, if I don't.
The book that I started writing in forth grade isn't finished yet. The book that I started writing when I was a freshman in highschool isn't finished yet. The book that I started writing the summer between my freshman and sophomore year in college isn't finished yet. I don't think that I will ever be a very successful author; I don't think I will ever have a complete manuscript to send anybody.
I think I used to be afraid that when I left the room, the position, the school, this earth, whatever..., that no one would remember me. I still feel like that sometimes; I'll send someone an email or call them and say "Hey, this is Sandy from such-and such,". I've never had anyone not remember me, and if I say the words, "do you remeber me," I always get a "you're kidding, right?" Some people are insecure about the way they look, the impression they leave, how they are percieved by anyone, everyone... I have always been insecure about not leaving a legacy. I am scared that when I die, that will be it. That my time here didn't matter, that the world would still be as-is whether I was ever here or not.
I think I know better. I know that sitting here, typing this, I would not be the person I am if it were not for every single second leading up to this. Every conversation I've ever had with every friend, acquaintance, family member, stranger, and enemy... Every proud moment, humiliated moment, romantic, frantic, humbled moments, have led me to my present self. The way I see it now, everyone is like that. And since, in my relatively short lifetime thus far (depending on who you are talking to ~ Kassen, I am NOT old, damn it!), I have talked to literally thousands of people, interjecting my opinion whether it's wanted or not, I have already made a difference. So I don't have to leave my mark historically, I just have to be decent to my children and honest with my friends and myself. I think that that may leave me exactly the legacy that I want.

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