Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Strength for Real.

I don't have strength for real. I have vanity strength. I appear strong, I see the most logical solutions, and I try to solve problems. I am a creature of convenience. It is inconvenient for me to be weak at any given time. It does nothing to help a situation by showing fear or anxiety, by "freaking out." But the problem doesn't get solved and the stress level goes up, making the gravity of the problem heavier. You can only mask for so long. And then you'll collapse. Because all of that negative energy has to go somewhere. Today, I collapsed at work. Yes, I had a mini-nervous breakdown. If I had strength for real, it never would have happened. Because I would have dealt with things by now, enough to not let the entire dam lose when someone turned the faucet a quarter of an inch. NO, instead I bottled it up. Refused to talk to my boss about it over the phone (he lives in Arizona); this is something that needs to be handled face to face. So we went through my little store's entire evaluation (which was good, as usual), and I took it like normal. But at the end, when he said, "Any questions, comments, concerns?"... I just let go. I got through the words "I can't..." and then BAMM!! Came the water. Pouring from my face. I couldn't make my eyes stop leaking... I told him everything. I let him know that what frusterated me more than anything was that fact that Jenny's manager, one of my supervisors, fell off the boat so many times. That (in more professional words) I thought she was a piece of crap as a manager and couldn't believe she evaluates ME. He asked me if I talked to her about this. I told him that everytime she calls my blood boils; I am a point where I can't stand to listen to her voice. I told him that if I talked to her about this I would hurt her feelings (and I'm better than that), and I would end up fired. So I won't do it.
He told me that there were alot of factors that I had just told him that he was unaware of. Ho told me where he stood from the beginning based on the information he was given. He told me about the process as it unfolded and where he was in all of it. He was completely unaware that when Jenny quit it was because Joy (her manager) told her that there was still a chance that corporate might fire her.
All things said and done, he asked if there was anything he could say or do to make things better. Is there anything he could say or do to change my mind? I told him absolutely not. I let him know that daily my job was harder than any of the other managers' due to the kiosk situation (and because my kiosk is designed to hold 4000 units, we currently have over 5500). I told him that at the end of the week I look at the check and can't believe that I work as hard as I do for peanuts. Those two factors I can deal with. Couple that with having absolutely no respect for the company... It makes me not want to show up for work...
So he left.
I had tears pouring down my face for the entire conversation. They kept coming for about 30 minutes after he was gone. Until I checked my voicemail and heard 4 different call backs on my resume. Then I felt a little bit better.

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