Dreft; and Things Just Like It.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

I feel like an ass...

In my last blog I mentioned two guys - the friend and the one playing games. I will say that the week following the weekend with the texts after the drunk call was quite for us (me and the guy playing games). This is mostly because I ignored him :). LOL. I hate that, btw. I'm not an ingnorer.
Then on Thursday I found out that his mom was in surgery having a lump removed from her breast. She had cancer. That they had found just a week and a half before.
I am so selfcentered sometimes that I just can't see the forest for the trees. I was so insecure about MY place with him that I didn't stop to think that, Hi, maybe something's going on that's making him act like this.
So on Thursday, I told him flat out that no matter what kind of BS we are ever going through, all he's got to say is "I need you," and all that other stuff melts away.

We got together this weekend. We talked, and he told me that my ignoring him pretty much killed him... We talked about it, he asked me to "be his girlfriend." Too cute :). I told him that if we were going to try this, try it for real, then I needed a few things. First and foremost, I need that call from another woman's place never to happen again. And if it does, he should absolutely never bother to dial my number again.

So we're going to try it, me and my new boyfriend. Which brings the other strange problem to light - I'm really not to sure how to be a girlfriend...
I've never been with anyone that's lived in the same place at the same time as me... Well, once...
I screwed that up though...
Damn youth.

Sunday, July 16, 2006


So the last few months have been, umm, interesting. I will first bring my last few entries up to date, or at least try to (as I refuse to go back and re-read them; I'll end up deleting and I don't like to do that for the principality of it all). So I will try, like I said, to update this blog from memory.
First, my dad. We are back to co-existing and being civilized. I am at a point where I have figured out how to tell whether or not he has taken his happy pills for the day. I have also learned that even though my parents bring in a ridiculous amount of money, and his monthly "allowance" is almost what I make in a week, he's usually broke from e-bay or gambling by mid month, and becomes a bastard. I stay away after about the 15th. With these tell tale signs of "how he will be today," I co-exist.
Now with the guy. And I may have gone back and deleted an entry or two, simply because he knows that this page exists, but I also may not have. I remember thinking about it, but not whether or not I did it...
He is currently a friend of mine. He is still one of the few people in Las Vegas that I trust. Trust for me, by the way, means that I have faith that he is both honest with me and is concerned with my well being. Anyhow, I have come to realize that (along with that which is my M.O. for life) things are the way they are for a reason. I've done alot of self-evaluating lately, and to tell you the truth, I've surprised myself.
I have learned that I really do think I am a "good person." I care about other people, I make decent decisions, and I try to "live" my life. I have learned that I am smart, and I have learned to deal with the fact that I won't be taken seriously by everyone all the time. I have learned that I am witty, and while my off-beat sense of humor may not appeal to EVERYone, most people who matter in my life appreciate it. I have learned that I am sexy. I know that not EVERYone thinks I'm hot, but that I AM to some people, most importantly, to myself.
With all this being said, with the fact that at this ripe old age of 26, I have come to a point where I am happy with ME, I look at him and see that he doesn't seem to be where I am yet. And (I know I risk sounding arrogant here, but it's MY blog, damnit!!) what I kind of see lately is that I would be VERY good for him, but I'm not so sure that he'd be very good for me. And I know, in my heart of hearts, that he is one of my soul ties. I click with him the way I click with people who have been a part of my life for many, many years. But right now, at this time, what I need and what he needs appear to be two very different things.
So that's that.

Now on to the other guy that's been occupying space in my mind and life.
He's older. As in, not an old man, but he could have been my babysitter when I was an infant.
I've known him for a year. The entire time, I have been DRAWN to him, as in, you know that person in your life you'd just like to bang? That's what he's been for me. I think he's been mentioned in previous blogs, probably many many months ago. Anyhow, we started to actually get to know eachother. Go out for drinks, talking on the phone, etc...
Before I was interested beyond the sex factor (and we have NOT slept together -- well, we haven't had sex, but that was all I was interested in up to a certain point), he was very obvious in that he was interested. When we drink (and I'm not talking college kegger sloshed, I'm talking drinks at a sportsbar), he has no problem telling me that we're perfect for eachother. When I started showing him attention, or showing him favor over the guy he's been under the impression I've been sleeping with (another story...), he started to play the game. We went through a week of who can ignore who longer and who will give in.
Last week, we finally got back to normal.
I am, by the way, too old for all of this.
Anyhow, he called me drunk in the middle of the night from some chick's place.
Yeah. On a weeknight. Didn't show up for work the next day.
When he did come in the following day, he appologized "for the drunk dial."
I asked him to call me later so we could get together.
He said okay, I'll give you a call. This was Friday.
He didn't call. He texted me on Saturday.
I gave him a short response and haven't spoken to him since.
I guess what bothers me is that we've become friends. I would think MY FRIEND would have more respect for me than that.
Truth be told, the conversation I wanted to have with him on Friday was the "either we're going to try this, and this is what I need if we do.... or lose my number unless it's work related" conversation.
He just turned it into the "lose my number - no disclaimer" conversation.

I am a firm believer in that with each relationship we get closer and closer to what we are looking for in the person we end up with. This is why the breakups get harder as we get older. Each person is a little bit more ideal than the last.
I saw so much of what I'm looking for in a man in him...
BELIEVE me, he's not like some GQ, sugar-daddy, prim and propper man. But that's also not what I'm necessarily looking for. So many things in his charecter are what I need in someone else.
Unfortunately, he's still playing games...

Sooooooooooooo, I think I've brought this up to date. And I STILL must say, if you're trying to keep up with what's up in SandyLandy (ahem, you KNOW who you are), check out my myspace page. I have over a hundred blogs archived...

Ten times out of ten these will be "deeper," there will always be "more of me" in this writing, because that is read by many people... If you have this particular link (this blogspot link) because I gave it to you, then I sincerely value you and your opinion, and whether I speak to you once a day or once a year, you have become a very important person in my life and my heart. But the link to the masses is as follows::

Thursday, June 15, 2006

A quick update:

All that silly boy drama is over :).

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Missing Chapters.

I hate to be all redundant. I can see that my last two blogs are exactly the same. Unfortunately, it's that same situation I've got on my mind. I HATE myself for not being able to be myself with him. It's not right. Shouldn't we all have to suck it up at one time or another and just LET THINGS HAPPEN? I can't.
Why is it that I can "readjust" my boobs with my gay friend blocking, that I can hug just about everyone else as they come in? Why is it that when I'm on a dance floor with complete strangers I can practically dry hump them and absolutely manhandle them??? But I get nervous if I like, touch his arm.
So what does this look like to him? Disinterest?
Earlier this week, we had a conversation about sex and baby oil (I'll spare you the details), but let me tell you - the mere IDEA of rolling around with him made me practially cum. Later on that day, he rubbed some aloe on my sunburn (only one arm- a fluke, he took too much), but him just rubbing me, INNOCENT TOUCHING, made me feel, well, at home...

I guess part of the reason I'm afraid to broach the subject is because a different girl we work with expressed interest in him, and he FREAKED OUT. I don't want to do anything to make him freak out. I don't know...
It's like I just want to sit down and say "look, this is how I feel, this is what I see, these are the mixed fucking signals that you keep sending me... How am I supposed to read the story if chapters and chapters are missing???"
Fuck. Maybe I should.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Hate You.

Why, WHY is it that I can look at you and see it, and why is it that I can talk to you and not say what I want to say. The words come to my mind, they travel to my mouth, and then they stop. They won't come out. My head is screaming, it's shouting everything that I need to say to you, but my mouth won't let it happen.
Why??? Why??? Why do I care, why do I not let myself care?
When I say that I hate you, I'm talking to myself.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

What is it to care about someone who doesn't care about you back? What is it to not be able to tell someone how you feel about them, but to not know why? Is it insecurity? Is it a fear of rejection? Is it crazy? For me, well, it's safe.
I don't want to play the "kid with a sob story" role here, but I grew up knowing what it was like to love someone who didn't love me back. When my little cousin was in town and I was exhausted from running with him all week, late bed times and waking up early for work, my sister kept saying, don't worry about it, spend time with him tomorrow.
There was no way. NO WAY.
I can remember sitting in the front window, all dressed up, my huggime pillow in my arms, waiting. Waiting. Daddy was supposed to come and pick us up. And I didn't believe he wasn't coming. And when he didn't, I couldn't figure out why, what had I done wrong, what had I done to make him not love me or so mad at me that he wouldn't come and get us today?
I loved him. And he didn't love me back.
Now, twenty years later, I find myself still looking to the guy that isn't looking back, and shunning the guy that is. I don't know any other way to be.
I know that I am wrong. I know that I do this to myself. I just don't know how NOT to...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

What a Dick.

Wow. Ever know someone that has absolutely NO regard for anyone around them, but expects everyone around them to fall at their feet? Insensitive asshole, nothing but a fucking jerk with no clue what life is or should be. Two years and I get to move... Two more fucking years with this asshole.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Because We're Supposed To

We have all these things that we are supposed to do. We know this - this is what our families have instilled in us, this is what society has told us since we were old enough to listen. When I was a little girl, I had a Playskook Kitchen. I was 5, and my toy was a kidsized kitchen, complete with pots, pans, and plastic food.
Once we hit a certain age, if we're not married, the question becomes "why not?".
For some of us, success and happiness are one in the same. For some of us, love and happiness are the same thing, and for others still, we can have success and love and still not be happy.
So what is supposed to happen? And, according to who (whom?)? Is it what should happen based on what society tells us? What should happen as far as satisfying our own hearts?
I don't know.
I know that there are certain things that I don't want to compromise. I don't want to commit to a career until I know that I will be doing something that can fulfill me in some way. If that means I'm saving lives or helping my own children receive an education, I will have to serve a purpose in my career.
In marraige, well, I have to want it. It won't be because I'm SUPPOSED to get married because I'm this age now or because we've been together and this is the next step. It will be because the person I am ready to commit my soul to is a person that I could absolutely NOT imagine my life without. I want to grow old with you.
Ideally, my husband will be someone who can hold their own when we argue, have things that he likes to do that are DIFFERENT from my interests, and be someone that I can love passionately.
I won't have kids until I'm ready. I just won't do it. And I will say that, hi, the people that are responsible enough not to make babies before they are ready are the people that will make the best parents, I KNOW I will be a great mom. But I won't bring kids in until the marraige portion is securely in place.
And this is what I need for me.
Society disagrees.
I'm going to be 26 in three weeks.
When my mom was my age, her oldest daughter was in kindergarden and her youngest was already 2.
But I can't, I can't compromise. Am I supposed to? Is what I want supposed to happen naturally once I start doing the things that I "should," or will the things that "should" happen come naturally once I have fulfilled my heart?
I know that I am still scared to death of growing up.
I think that I am one of the love/happiness people.
The success factor, in my mind, is circumstancial.
So knowing that I want to be happy, and happiness for me ties in with love, which falls under my marraige/kids category, COULD I?
There are very few people in my life that I could see myself spending my "growing old" years with. And truthfully, these are peole that will probably have nothing to do with my marraige (lol, at least not at this juncture!), but I know will be in my life regardless...
So does my "love" have to be one in the same as marraige? And do I only question this because I've never been in a relationship that marraige has been a forseeable option (except one, and that was illogical and unrealistic...)...
I don't know.
I don't even know what it is that my mind is trying to think of right now...

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Everything for a reason...

I'm BIG on everything happens for a reason. This falls all the way into the rhealm of certain people are placed into other people's lives to be vehicles for them. That being said, I also have to sometimes wonder if that's absolutely WRONG... So now I'm in a predicament. I think I may be a vehicle for a friend, and I'm not sure for sure and it's sensitive...
So about two weeks ago, one of my good friends told me that one of his little boys is "soft." He believes that when this happens, it is up to the parents to push them towards more masculine things, like football as opposed to the theatre program. Long and short - he doesn't want his kid to be gay. We talked a little about our beliefs on the whole situation, and basically, in my mind, whether his kid is actually gay or not, this guy is trying to steer the kid away from the idea.
Then last week, I went out with some newer friends of mine, a gay couple... On the ride home, we were talking about when they came out... Both told me that when they told their parents, their parents told them that they had known all along. Both expressed that they wished their moms would have said something to them, it would have made their lives a lot easier when they were confused and didn't quite know what was going on...
Am I supposed to see the connection and make mention...? It's a really sensitive subject for this guy, and it's damn straight none of my business... But everything happens for a reason. I didn't bring up either conversation...

Monday, April 10, 2006

So you think you know...

...Wow. Can you say preconceived notion? I guess I have them more than I'd like to admit. Tonight I learned several things about several people, including myself. I learned that a guy that I thought was kind of well, a misunderstood dickweed, is well, just misunderstood. He's going through some things that hopefully he can get through okay, and with God's good graces will never go through again. I also learned that he's been through some things that I only have yet to look forward to, and to tell the truth it scares me...
I learned that while drunk I don't edit my opinionated self as much as I should. I learned that while most lesbians I know are NOT stereotypical, the stereotype exists for a reason: I work with her.
I learned that I am afraid. I am afraid of love and of hurt, that I am really good at pushing people away, and I am even better at clinging to the unattainable, because the unattainable holds no threat.

I know that I am scared. I've been scared for a long time. It's a combination of not being able to trust, I think that comes from my upbringing, and then my experience so far with men in general. It's hard to look at the words and see what they say. It's hard to take the picture at face value. And I hate that.

OFF this subject: Is he gay? Damnit, ARE YOU GAY? If you're reading this, I haven't asked you because 1. I don't trust you to be honest answering me, 2. I'm afraid that you are, and that's why I care about you - because you're unattainable, 3. I'm afraid that you're not, because if you're not, then why haven't you called me? My GOD, if you are, PLEASE come out to me!!! If you're not, then let me know somehow - ask me out to dinner, or tell me about a girl that you're seeing.... Give me something!!!

Man, I'm not drinking on work nights anymore...

Sunday, April 09, 2006


I was in church with my gram today; it's palm Sunday and the day that they read the passions... Church is packed, standing room and illegal parking only, not enough service books to go around. Cheesters (Christmas and Easter worshipers). I am almost a Cheester, about one level up on them. Woke up late, we ended up going to the noon mass. I am standing there looking at the new priest, thinking "why can't he be a minister instead ;)". Listening, singing, up and down.
All of the sudden, out of NOwhere, my body temp changed, felt a cold sweat. My bones became like what I imagine Gumbie's were made out of. I couldn't get enough air. The fact that there wasn't enough air didn't scare me - I've had anxiety attacks before and I understand that if I don't freak out, the air will come in. It was the feeling of extreme drunkenness, not being able to get the words out, trying to tell my Gram that we have to go NOW.
Scary... I made it out into the courtyard, some nice woman was trying to ask me where she could get palms, but (and I'm sorry, cause I probably came off ignorant) I couldn't say anything to her except no-i'm sorr-i have to go... Which doesn't in anyway even tell her that I CAN'T answer her question, let alone actually answer it. Scary...'
My gramma found the bathroom, my stommie was spinning. Thought I'd throw up, which I hate doing and will at ALL costs avoid doing in a public restroom, church or otherwise. But when I got into the stall I slid down onto to seat and just sat with my head between my legs. My mouth was bone dry... Dehydrating? Don't quite know...
Got up after a minute, ran cold water over my wrists. We left, went to McD's for water (closest place available).
I feel 100x better now; I was sooooo scared. For those not in the know, I don't get high. EVER. And I only drink occassionally, when I do I never get so drunk that I don't know what's going on. Principle? No. I just don't like not being in control of my mind or body. Today scared the crap out of me, because for a short while I lost control, and not as a direct result of anything I've done or not done...

Sunday, April 02, 2006


Sometimes my dreams are so real that for the first few seconds, I wake up wondering why the scenerey has changed. Where am I? Where are YOU? I can feel in every inch of my body and my soul your voice, your breath, your body... Then I see. It's a dream - it was only a dream.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Sugar We're Going Down Swinging

Today I sat down and talked with my supervisor. I must say here that I had just downed a blue Monster, and I was bouncing off the walls to begin with. I must give background, well, because that's what I do. They "moved directions" at my job in January. Or rather, January 1 was the anticipated "go live date," though February 1 was the date that everything actually went live. Up until February 1, we ALL took retail merchants, and we trained them on how to sell financing. After this date, they took EVERYONE off of this function except for myself, a new girl, and a veteran employee. There was one other girl with us at the time who is, ahem, no longer with the company. All of the people who would cease to be trainers expected this change to happen early January, and as such, most stopped doing work. They fell into, "well, that's not really my job anymore," and created a ridiculous backlog of accounts that the rest of us didn't realize were there and being ignored. So now we are looking at our January numbers and they suck. The reasoning doesn't matter. Anything you may say to defend the suckiness; the neglect on accounts, the fact that we're asking people to activate in the slowest retail month of the year - none of that matters. It's business and it all comes down to the numbers.

As one of the "senior reps" (for as much as I can be called that, being there all of 8 months now), I am given the more difficult accounts. Furniture stores, Flooring stores... These places can't activate right away, cause they can't charge their customers until they deliver. By default, I can train someone today, they could get a customer on board today, and that account may not activate until June depeding on date of delivery. But ah, such is life.
In addition to that, I am working directly with the VP of the Consumer Electronics division of GE on a new program they have for ABD Distributors (Appliance Builder Distributors). I may get an email from him, it may be attached to anything from 1 to (so far) 13 trainings, and this email requires immediate attention (as in, contact all locations NOW). I am also on a new pilot that has us contracted to train certain merchants within 48 hours of them signing up with the program. I get a list for this that also requires immediate attention.
Translation: "I need to sharpen my time management skills."
Because along with these two pilots, I have the most difficult accounts that we manage, AND I am one of two people responsible for putting together a new 2 week long orientation program for new hires.
So today I sit down with my boss to have my review. All good things. Raise? Nope. First time in my life I've ever NOT gotten a raise at my review. Do I think this decision was wrong? No. I wouldn't have given me a raise, either. The numbers are not there. I am not even within the margin of where I should be. Is there realistic reason for why not? Absolutely. Does that matter? Not in business, it doesn't. I have been in that position. I spent one weekend a month for six years writing other people's reviews, and had to make many decisions on pay increase. I would have made the same decision.
I know personally that my numbers for February and March have already surpassed January. Why? Because in February and March I was not cleaning up other people's shit. But it's a numbers game. I know that my boss felt bad. I could tell that he expected my reaction to be different. I told him:
It is what it is. You don't have to sit and try and justify, you don't have to appologize. I am at a point where I nod and say "okay" with this job. What else can I do? You want me to explain my numbers? No - I won't try and justify numbers that suck, because anything I can say can be countered with, "but that's the nature of the beast," or else it's just bitching and excuses. NEXT review, however, when I hit your numbers based on MY OWN WORK, and you look at the new pilots I do and the OT I put in and the training program that you should be paying outside help several thousands of dollars for, remember me and give me my insulting 41 cents or whatever you feel may work. Because it is what it is.
I think that this scared him. You see, I was about to quit when he came on. As in, ready to start another job in 2 weeks. I blew it off because of him. And he knows it. He knows that while the pay and hours are good, it is possible to meet both. He also knows that I am a loyal, honest, hard working person. Reality check for those of you who have never supervised others: People like me are not easy to come by. He doesn't have anything to worry about today. Three months from now, however, we'll see. Because I know that there are people that sit in that room that make DOLLARS, not cents, more than I do per hour, and they surf the fucking internet. So we'll see.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

So it's been a while....

So I haven't written in just over two months... In that time, alot has occurred. I will try and some it up with out writing a novella. I will say that if you want my "in the heat of the moment" writing on some of these things, check out my MySpace blog, as I have been updating that one.
So Francesca came out the week between Christmas and New Years. I love seeing her but it breaks my heart every time she has to leave :(.
Arthur came out here. Two weeks ago he called, left a message on Jenny's VM: "Pick up Jenny, if you're mad, forget it for a minute, I really need to talk to you," (she was at work, can't answer the phone). Next message: "Jen, come on, I am trying to mapquest my way to your apartment, need your address...".
Okay, for those not in the know, I live in Vegas, Arthur lives in CHICAGO. She gets a hold of him, she's on her way to her second job and calls me: "San, Arthur is coming out here. He's driving, he's leaving tomorrow, says he needs to stay for about a month. Can you call Gramma and explain it to her............No, he didn't tell me why, he said he'd explain when he gets here."
For those not in the know, again, my sister and i are still in college. I live with my parents, Jenny lives with my Grandma about a block away. It's not like he's sleeping on our couch in Worth. He's imposing on our family.
The long and short of it, Arthur drove out by himself, blew a tire in Utah, took him about 3 days to get here, arrived on Monday. Still didn't know why he had come, checked his MySpace which rendered him "single," lots of angry messages towards someone named Ricky. We think it's because his girl was fucking one of his friends. We also thought that happy potions were somehow involved, but as this is published on the internet, well, I'll leave that alone.
Arthur has been through some shit. Sometimes I drive, just need to clear my head, so I understand the concept of getting away. The first day he got here, he said he didn't think he was going back. The second, he said he was going back on Saturday morning. So Friday night, we're out bowling. It's like 2 in the morning, Arthur's phone rings. It's Mike ~ Francesca's ex, Arthur's old best friend. Arthur had sent him a picture message on his phone of one of the casinos, Mike freaked out and jumped in the car, he is on his way to Vegas.
This is inconvenient, as Arthur is leaving in the morning.
They straighten things out, agree to meet half way, and will return to Illinois.
So, as I have been put out of my room for a week (I let Arthur have my room and have been shacking up with Jenny), I am tired and glad that the whole ordeal is over.
We'll call that story my friend update.
At work, I am going out of my freaking mind. I don't like feeling like my opinion is just an inconvenience, and I get that sometimes. Fucking Jerks. I also feel like if I don't nod and say, "okay, you are the emporor or the universe and what ever you say must be infallible," then I will be attacked.
The fact, I am a smart girl and I know how to take things in stride. If I bother opening my mouth, it's going to be for a good reason that is valid to an issue at hand, and usually a bigger issue over all.
My new found reason for getting up and going to work everyday: making the people who get paid 4 times what I do feel like the fucking idiots that they are at every possible opportunity, and in a very professional way.

Friday, December 09, 2005

How You Feel...

Messed up. I'm sick. I'm supposed to go see a movie with a friend from work, a movie that I really want to see, but he hasn't called me and I don't feel well enough to bother... Then I am supposed to go to some bar with some other people from work for karaokee, which I love, but I can't even speak right now...

What would be cool to have right now would be a good friend. The kind of friend where if you just want to go hang out with your hair pulled back, you can. All of the friends I have here are more like acquaintances... In order for us to hang out, we have to be SOMEWHERE, doing SOMETHING. I can't shake this stupid cold, we all keep giving it to eachother. I would like nothing more than to just sit around chillaxing in good company that feels that they equally deserve a lazy day.

I guess that's what I miss most about Chicago. Just BEING. Here, if I want to just BE, I have to just be by myself. Maybe I need a boyfriend. Maybe I just need a real friend. Maybe I need both...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

This is Buddy. Only because Jenny and I say "Hey Buddy" to everyone, and the dog started responding to it :). Look at the size of him. That printer in the background is actually bigger than he is, but Buddy is closer... Posted by Picasa

Saturday, December 03, 2005

I worked very hard to remove the alcohol from this picture, so it wouldn't seem like we were drunk the ENTIRE time we were in Chicago!!! The reallity is that we WERE drunk most of the time, and the rest of the time we were planning where to party next or recovering. Although, There was one night Jenny and I spent with our cousins, our Kid Cuzins, and that was a good sober time :). Next time, it's movies, vegging, and bonding all the way!!! Posted by Picasa

I've been in a really funky mood lately. Work has me bogged down, but for completely unreasonable reasons. Usually I try and be the unininvolved, and it's this stance that's pissing me off. Mostly, I guess, because others are not. I'm all about "Live and Let Live." And, hey, don't get me wrong ~ sometimes it's not easy. But it's ALWAYS easier than the alternative.

Right now, for instance. It's really difficult to step back with people. The biggest reason being because I am trying my damndest to tolerate someone at work right now, and everyone else is being blatantly childish about them. Fine, except don't ask my opinion. Because I agree with just about everything that anyone has to say, but I'm not about targetting people for being who they are, especially if I know that at the core I'm dealing with a good person. I will explain so that it makes sence, but if you're not in the mood to read a novella, just know that this is the jist of it :).

Here's my basic core deal when I meet someone: My antenna goes up and I make one judgement and one judgement only: IS THIS A GOOD PERSON?
So let me tell you, if I'm getting a NO vibe from you, then I generally won't even look your way. If I get a yes vibe, then cool. We'll go from there.

At work, I get the yes vibe from more people than not, but there's a strange thing going on in there. It's been refered to as "the office dynamic" by more than one person. And while I know that this exists, and it exists everywhere (not just in my beige little office), it's strange to have it called out and referred to like a living breathing thing. And it is.

Anyhow, there is a group of people that hang out. They don't talk about it, which is what is strange. As in, if they hear us, they will expect to be invited. NOT TRUE. I've been invited a few times, and a few times I've heard them talking about going out and not invite me (but on these occasions, it's all quiet and secretive, and they'd shit if they thought I heard them). This is strange to me because it's normal to have a group that you're friends with. No one expects a field trip everytime you go out. Well, I don't. I wouldn't feel bad asking someone I talk to more than someone else to come out in front of the other person. This is not 5th grade. I also wouldn't feel bad if you invited someone in a normal speaking tone if they were sitting next to me.

Ah, such is life.

So I've just gotten over this recently and decided that these are not all nutcases or bad people, perhaps something happened before I was employed with them to make these grown men and women behave like junior high kids. Whatever, I got over it.
Now a new girl comes in. She's loud and obnoxious, and she's nosey. Some people like her, some people can't stand her. I'll be the first person to tell you that I don't like people that remind me of myself, and she reminds me of how I used to be.

So I gave her a shot, as she gives me the Good Person vibe, and from talking to her I know that her life has not been a cake walk. And as I said, she is loud, obnoxious, nosey, and she annoys me. But being the kind of person that I try to be, I flow with it. I've put her into that cagegory of people that I like, but in "small doses."

What bothers me is that other people talk about her. I don't get involved ~ we're talking about my paycheck, my livelyhood. I don't get involved when people talk shit about me (and they do ~ that's right Rachel, I'm fully aware. I'm just a better person than you are). That doesn't mean I want to hear about it, though.

And you know how you have a conversation and it involves someone saying something to you and then they look at you, expecting you to agree and make a comment? I get a lot of that. Then I have to ignore the comment, the same way that I do when someone makes a "retard" or "palsy" comment of getsture.

So while I live it every day, I also deal with it. It just gets old, you know?

Also, there's a guy there that seems to fall victim to all of this too. When I first got there, he seemed to be a part of this clique. Now, he rarely speaks to any of these people. I've tried to ask a few different people, completely confidentially, what the deal was with him. Every single person backed up with there body language, said, "Well...., " and then proceeded to tell me something very nonspecific.
He, however, is one of those people that you see a soul in. As in, his eyes have a story in them, which means that I'm sure he's got a past....

I don't know. I guess I've just been around so many self-righteous people lately that they are pissing me of more than they normally would...

Monday, November 28, 2005


So it's been a while. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've been neglectful.
I will try not to be, particularly since I will be in the same building as my internet connection again very shortly.
I was having some nastalgia today...
I watched Seventh Heaven for the first time in litterally years. Here's the story: It is the show we used to love to hate. I say WE as in my two best friends my first year at NIU: My roommate and my first "personality" friend. Back then (1998/1999) it was on on Monday nights on the WB. My non-roommate friend would blow off working out (which he did religiously) for an hour to watch this with us. We'd turn off the lights, not leave the door open (which was unheard of normally), and we'd say things like, "Yeah, right!" throughout the show. It was true bonding. Back then Jessica Beil was on the show as well as the older brother (his real name escapes me), and Ruthie was in like 3rd grade. I watched it today, and Ruthie is 16. The girl that was a sophomore back then is now married with childern, and instead of Jessica Simpson's little sister, the co-star is Hillarie Duff's big sister.
Ahhh, the good old days.
Now, well, now is now. More about that when my sister is not breathing down my neck to be a MySpace Whore.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


So I'm worried about work. Mostly because I don't like it anymore. I know myself, too. Work for me is like a relationship. You must have patience, compromise, and above all else maintain interest.

I'm running out of patience. And I don't feel like I have anyone to make a compromise with. I think that I do well, my numbers would suggest as much. But I feel like I'm the one that they don't mind sweeping aside if they need someone, well, to sweep aside. It's getting frusterating. I can't maintain interest because they keep switching my tasks. I can't monitor my progress on tasks one and two if I'm already onto task #4, which is comprised of something completely different...

I've started the job hunt again. It's killing me because my work hours really are lovely, and they work out nicely with my school schedule. I've got an interview on Friday doing the exact same thing (or close enough that my operational function will be exactly the same), but this company has tuition reimbursement :).

I try and keep it interesting while I'm there. Doing this could have gotten me into some serious trouble yesterday. The conversation went like this:
COWORKER: I really think you'd enjoy having sex with me.
ME: Yeah, probably. You pay attention to detail. Yeah, not the smartest two sentences. The problem is not what was said though, it's that when we turned around, our supervisor was right behind us, within earshot.

And, if this were not enough, we have a new supervisor that started this week. He was sitting with me, sort of observing, and my instant messanger on my work phone went off. What did it say? "You want to touch my tra la la." Five minutes later: "Hooker." Thank Goodness my new supe has a sense of humor...

So, I'm kind of walking on egg shells for at least a week. I made the mistake of giving the one guy my number, only because I WOULD like to sleep with him, just because he does pay attention to detail and I DO think he'd be fun, but I WON'T, as we not only work together but are sitting practically on top of eachother now. Ah, such is life.

On that, I found my ex-whatever on MySpace. That felt like someone sucker punched me, even after all these years. I debated about dropping a hello. I did it eventually. We've had cordial email conversation a few times since. It's good to know that he's okay... I wish I didn't contact him, though. Stupid cold. Had I just NOT had a fever and NOT been medicated, there's NO WAY I would have gone there. I guess I've learned to depend on hating him. Now that I can't anymore, there's something that feels kind of empty...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

So I Discovered MySpace and Now I'm Addicted


Sunday, October 30, 2005

The Crazy Cheerleader Costume

Okay, final picture of this, I promise. Here's the story:
Every year, Margaritaville (http://www.margaritaville.com/) does Buffett weekend. This is actually two weekends, the two that Jimmy Buffett is in town doing his concert. Each Saturday of this event, the employees at Margaritaville get to dress up however they want. Jenny decided it would be cute to be the Margaritaville Cheerleader (University of Margaritaville is a marketted thing ~ any Parrotheads out there know what we're talking about). Anyhow, as Halloween is coming up, we hit the stores looking for a cheerleading outfit. They all sucked. Someone at the Costume Shop recommended the porn shop. After a very embarassing incident involving me not having my ID and being kicked out, we went to another porn store and saw what you see in the picture. It actually came with a British flag neck tie and is meant to be a school girl uniform, but we're creative.
Two trips to Wal*Mart and about $10.00 later, this is our finished product. "The Hunt" involved finding undies that would cover her bootie if she had to pick something up, cute socks, and something for her hair.
The hair and make up took a while (as Jenny does have staigher than straight hair!), but the end result was great! She got a lot of attention (surprise, surprise) and actually got to meet Jimmy Buffett!Posted by Picasa

This is a colaborative. We made the back of this together for about $5. Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Dreft, and Things Just Like It.

Yeah, I'm a nerd. I keep things like email. I wrote an email a while ago to Francesca my love, and it encompasses all of what "Dreft" means. If you're not in the mood for cheesey, I suggest you stop reading this right now. If you're in the mood to be profound and cheesey, by all means read on!


The most untrue and blatantly wrong thing that I have ever witnessed come
from you was in your last email. You said, "honestly i think i live life
everyday just because I have to."
Don't you know? Haven't you learned yet? We live life for one reason and
one reason alone: eachother. You are living for me and for Jenny; if it
weren't for you, neither one of us could possibly know that the love we have
for eachother is not purely sisterly. We know that that strong kind of die
for you love is non-discriminitory because we love you, too, just as much as
we love each other. You live everyday for your cousins, so they can see
what it's supposed to be, even when they hate you for making them see the
things that they don't want to look at. You live for your mother and
father, you are one of the biggest reasons that they have purpose. You live
for Tanya, as a constant reminder of what should be. You live for gangster,
whether you care about him or not, you represent a hope that his life, with
or without you, doesn't always have to be crappy. You live for your ex
Mike, you are like a drug for him. He calls on you at really bad times in
his life because like gangster, whether he cares about you as a person or
not, for him, you represent what is hopeful and what is better.

We live for eachother. Even when we don't want to be what we're in school
for. When we screw up and disappoint ourselves, eachother, those that do
and those that don't matter. When we have nothing to do on a Saturday
night, or too much to do on a Friday, even if all of the things we're doing
dont' seem to mean anything...
We live for eachother.
And please don't ever forget that.
Because if I have to remind you and get the type of writers cramp that I
have right now, I may just develope carpol tunnel syndrom and then I will
never write to you again. Hooker.

Now, for a Pick-Me-Up: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bunny.php

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Nancy is Gone.

I don't know if I've spouted off about the raise thing yet on here, and if I go back and look through my past entries it will alter what I will write here (so I'm going to assume I didn't and sum it up). I've been upset at work because I haven't known whether I'm getting paid what I should be getting paid. I now know how the scale for things like this goes at work, so long story short, I won't bitch for another 2 and a half months. If my six month rolls around and there is not an increase, I will be upset (solely due to the restructuring my company has seen in the past few months).

Okay, now I cheated and looked back at my posts. But only because now Nancy is gone and I wanted to read what I wrote about the first time that I met her. Not too much except that we hit it off (if you're curious, it's in the "So I got a new Job" post). For those not in the know, Nancy was my supervisor. Note the word "was." And sinse I haven't covered too much of her up until this point, I am going to sum her up: Nancy is who I want to be in 15 years (20? I'll give her the benefit if the doubt :)). She was well liked, well respected, and spoke her mind. She is a real woman. She left for many of the same reasons I left LIDS. The company is going in a new direction, in such a way that it affects the way she needs to achieve her results, and she took a stand. So while I am sad to see her go, for purely selfish reasons, I have to say More Power To Her for reasons I know too well. This link will get you to a picture of Nancy about 2 years ago. For the record, she is cuter now. She has better hair :) http://www.cdslv.com/management.html

Sunday, October 16, 2005

What's Crazy?

My mom and dad both take medication for their depression. My mom started taking hers after my grampa died, my dad started taking his after he gave up cocaine without going through treatment and realized he had become an asshole.
The thing with my mom is that no matter how irresponsible she may be about certain things, she is on top of that. My dad is not responsible at all with his medication. He's a freakin diabetic and eats more sweets a day than most should have in a week. Long story short, he ran out of his "happy pills" and didn't get the prescription filled for more.
The end result: a visit from the cops. He went after my sister, my mom and I jumped in, the dog bit through his hand so he started to choke Woody. We were all screaming bloody murder. He didn't hurt any of us (humans) and I am pretty sure that the dog hurt him more than he hurt it. We got passed him and have been living at my gramma's ever since.
I talked to him this morning. A hell of a time to be displaced; this is my finals week. But I talked to him this morning and let him know that I can't take the fact that he doesn't listen to anything anybody has to say. I can't live day in and day out wondering if he took his pills or not.
In all honesty, I think I am depressed. All I want to do is sleep. But then, maybe that's because I don't really sleep well at night anymore.
I talked to my old assistant manager from LIDS. Turns out she's no longer there. Her father has cancer and has begun chemo. He can't help it, what he's going through. I feel bad for their situation, and it makes me more pissed off at my own. My dad can help his situation. He can take his happy pills. He can watch his sugar...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Pouring your heart like Water

I usually use this blog to complain. Or to get something off my chest that I haven't figured out how to put into words while speaking yet; I can sometimes write my heart and not be able to speak it. My heart is heavy, and I need to pour it. I am posting this message right now because it may be a bit before I can. There's some things going on at home that have me, well, not living at home. I am here at this moment to get more belongings and check my email. When I have time, I'll post my story... Right now I'm tired thinking about it.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Alexz Johanson

I feel chained, chained down
You shoved me to the ground
I can't run, I can't shout
Just let me out

To someone heartless, this couldn't mean less
But i'll push it in your face
I'm only human
And I've got something to say

Let me rise, let me fall
Let me breathe
I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all
Let me break, let me crawl
Cause I'll get back up again if you let me fall

If I burn down in this fire
Well, I got myself to blame
I can't stop or give it up
I need to feel the pain

Can you hear me?
Don't come near me
You'll just get in my way
I'm only human
And there's nothing you can say

Let me rise, let me fall
Let me breathe
I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all
Let me break, let me crawl
Cause I will get up again if you let me fall

Say you know who I am
And what I'm about
Then you'll understand that I gotta figure it out
I live my own life

Let me rise, let me fall
Let me breathe
I wanna lose control, I'm not afraid to lose it all
Let me break, let me crawl
Cause I will get up again if you let me fall

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
If you let me fall
If you let me
If you let me fall
If you let me fall

I will get up again if you let me fall
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
If you let me fall
If you let me fall
Let me fall

Sunday, October 02, 2005

When I am speechless...

I'm kind of a hypocrite. All day long I will tell you that the people in my life are what is most important to me. Relationships are more important than any material possession. But I am guarded. Today I listened to two of the most important people in my life fall apart because of guys. One of them, as I hate this guy with a flaming passion anyway, all I can tell her is that he's a dick anyway, and that once she's done feeling hurt and betrayed, she'll see that and feel better. The other I have been telling over several days to not let the fate of whether she's happy or miserable lie in the hands of someone else. I know that these are not good words per say, but it's all I had. I don't know, I just don't know. Because you can't have love for real without that feeling. Without that feeling, is it really love? Without someone having that power, that power to give you that feeling of extreme high, and also the power to rip that away from you... Yin and Yang, you know? You can't have one without the other. So if I say to thrive on the people in your life and then jump right into "don't worry about it and don't let them determine your happiness..." then what do we have?

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

This picture was taken at 8pm at night out of a passenger window. In the car: Myself, Francesca, and Arthur, whom we all love. I was in Chicago from Vegas the weekend in early 2005 that the snow was so bad they shut down the airports for two days. Of course, knowing that Mother Nature is no contender for me and my friends, we were driving in the blizzard to DeKalb. For those "not in the know," this is about 60 miles west of Chicago down I80, a two lane interstate used primarily by college students and people carting corn around.  Posted by Picasa

This is Woody. He is actually howelling here :) Posted by Picasa

Sandies Blondes

How can I put it... Sexy is different things to different people. I don't care what you look like, someone out there finds you attractive. If you think you're hot, that helps too. Confidence is sexy.

So I died my hair blonde. Really blonde. And since I did this, more people check me out, without question. I was mistaken for a hooker a few times this past weekend, and on the last occurrance, the drunk man kept saying, "such beautiful blonde hair." Eeewwww.
Here's the thing though: it's YELLOW blonde. If you didn't know me yesterday, you wouldn't think I'm a natural blonde today. You can tell it's fake. I'd post a pic, but the batteries are dead in my camera :(.

My biggest problem is that I am not comfortable with it. Like I said, I am getting noticed a lot more than I did last week, but it doesn't feel right. I am usually VERY comfortable in my own skin. I know I have good features and bad, things about me that are hot and things that are not, but one way or another I've come to terms with all of it over time. I am happy with myself and I am rarely ever self-concious. Now, this is all I can think about. Whether it's good or bad, I am not comfortable, which destroys my self confidence. (I usually walk around like I know I'm hot - because I am, to someone. And everyone else I'm not worried enough about to NOT walk around like I'm hot).

So what do I do right now? How do I learn to walk again?

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Off Track

WOW, did I get off track with that one! That last post is something that I rarely-to-never speak about, so I had to go with it when it kept coming. I actually sat down that day to get something else off my mind.

Kevin. Kevin whom I love and is in my heart, Kevin whom is one of my first "adult friends," Kevin whom I rarely EVER see, seldom talk to, but respect greatly, knew exactly what to say when I sat at a loss for words.

My original relationship with Kevin was basically two people that are both too smart for their own good; too informed for the simple world that they perferred to live in, finding friendship in finally finding someone similar to themselves. At least, that's how I see it. He may have a different synapsis :). But we had very different life experiences. He was one that I listened alot with, but very seldomnly spoke of myself about. I was happy to listen, happy to know that someone thinks like I do. Just about anything he said, I could relate to. If I couldn't, I would find him fascinating.

Then he disappeared. I remember thinking that he was mad at me, but having no idea why. Then I remember having a vague clue, but shooting it down as illogical. I remeber thinking he was dead. Or possibly dead. I called, got no return. I emailed, got no response. I was worried. I almost called his house. I rememeber someone saying to me, "Sandy, I haven't seen your grandfather in months, how is he doing?" a few months after my grandpa passed away. It destroyed me for weeks. I didn't want to call Kevin's parents house if something HAD happened and do that to his mother or father.

Then I moved to Vegas. I worked at the airport, and one day he was there. It was a fluke of a job, I did it because I could work anytime I wanted (I was a freaking change girl for airport slots. Tips were good. But I don't even claim it on my resume). I turned around one day, and Kevin was there. I can not even begin to explain the level to which that tripped me out.

But Kevin is one of my friends. One of my real friends. And everything happens for a reason. I had that job for little more than a month. I rarely ever worked the shift I was on that day. And I hardly ever worked in that area. I had just come off my break and was actually leaving in a two hour time span. The chances of us even encounterring eachother being in that airport at the same time are very slim. Maybe the only reason I was supposed to work there was to be reunited with someone who meant so much to me. Who knows? Now we try to keep in touch regularly.

But Kevin is grown up now for real. Sounds stupid, but it's true. He's grown into his skin. Which means that I can listnen, and I get to talk. In the past he would hardly give me an opinion, unless it dealt directly with himself, because, "...I don't really know...". Whatever. I think now he realizes that an opinion of a friend doesn't have to be at expertise consultant level, it has to be at for-your-won-good-in-your-situation-because-I'm-your-friend level.

That was rambling, I know, but I am getting to the point. A few days ago I was about to have a nervous breakdown, and Kevin helped me out. He said exactly what I needed to hear, gave me advice without trying to, and was a very objective soundboard. And I needed that. A year ago, I couldn't have had that conversation. I appreciate it.
Thanks Kev.

Friday, September 16, 2005

The Right Thing To Say

For a really long time, I was the "concerned friend." I listened to everyone about everything, and I always had an opinion. My opinion was always logical, uncontroversial, and leaned towards whatever whoever I was talking to wanted to hear. I wouldn't flat out lie, but I would look to the positives first. I was the Silver Lining. I listened, listened, listened... I know a lot about all of my friends.

Then I needed a friend. I really needed one. I went through some stuff with my family and I really needed to be the one spilling my heart. And I didn't have a friend. All of my "friends" were people who wanted to use me as a soundboard, but none of them said, "How are you?". It was depressing. And I went on strike. I stopped calling people. The phone works both ways, why should I always be the one calling? I learned who my real friends are. I have to say, here, however, that there was one. One boy, who I love, who I pushed away, that I could probably marry, that I treated crappy, that was there for me. He was concerned when I didn't sound right on the phone. He helped me when I didn't ask for help. And I pushed him away.

Mostly because I was scared. I was scared because I loved him for who he was. I loved more than anything that we could argue; loved arguing with him. I was scared because I have never been loved back before. Not by someone who has put themselves on the line for me. Not by someone that wasn't afraid to be honest with me. I was afraid because I have never had a long relationship before (well, not very long), and I knew that he might be the one. The one that I know I could spend a LOT of time with (I'm scared right now talking about it, scared to use the term "the r of my l"). And I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. "Why?" he would ask me. I could never tell him. I couldn't let him be an ex boyfriend. I couldn't. I would rather wait a long time to start a relationship with him and possibly end up together than have him be an ex for some stupid young kids type reason. I was scared because I just lost a baby. A baby that I didn't know I was pregnant with until I had the miscarriage, a baby by a boy that I didn't feel this same way about.

Mike, are you reading this? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a screwed up scatterbrained asshole. I love you, you always have a place in my heart. I hope more than anything that you end up happy. I told you what I told you about T.J. to get you to hate me a little bit. I wanted that weirdness to be over with. You know what I am talking about. The way we had to pretend around other people, the way we had to pretend to ourselves. I slept with him one time while we were together, not that we were ever "officially" together, and that was in the beginning when we were not sure about what was going on. I want you to know that it wasn't like I was back and forth, it was only you. The whole time I was saying something like "...not ready for a commitment, to hard..." I was committed. There was only you. I want you to know that. I was just afraid... I cared about you so much. I still do. How many years? You are in my heart. You always will be. I hope you are happy with your life and with whoever you end up with. I regret how things turned out. Things could have been a lot different; things could have been really good, if I weren't such a jerk.
I'm sorry. Thank you for still being my friend. You will always be in my heart, but I really don't feel like I deserve to be in yours.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

HomeWork and Solicitation.

So I'm getting a lot of solicitation on my blog. Because I obviously didn't have enough SPAM in my email box already. So, if you are a comment poster (and most of my friends are NOT) and you actually read the entry you are commenting on, then please pay attention to this next sentence. I am not interested. If there is a link that I can click on that takes me to a web site, then I don't want it. I am not a web surfer and I do not participate in anything that, well, requires my participation. This makes me NOT the ideal candidate for you anyway.
That being said, I am getting more freckles. I think they're sexy. Others laugh at me when I say this. If you look at my profile picture and then the picture of me and Jenny a few entries down, you can see what I am talking about.
So I'm back in school now. So is miss Jennifer. What this means: I have double homework to contend with. The problem is, hers is physics. I can help her figure out what equation she needs to be doing to find an answer, but I can not comprehend how to do the actual equation. I am missing that part of the brain or something. The asskicker: It took us 25 minutes and the internet to do problem 1, chapter1. Oh well, on to MY homework.

Friday, September 09, 2005

A better, more detailed picture... Posted by Picasa

This is my new bed spread and head board. this lighting doesn't do it justice; it's the most "grown up" one that I have had. I love it. What looks textured is suede and what looks shiny is satin. LOVE it. This has just inspired me to clean my room.  Posted by Picasa

Figured it out yet?  Posted by Picasa

This is Jenny and I the night we played "Tourist" with a couple of other girls. Can YOU tell? Did we take the picture before we left or when we got home?  Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Young for my Old

I think I have always been old for my age. When I was a little kid, I saw things that aren't supposed to be part of the formula. I think that I've always had a different perspective for that reason. More mature, at least about things that mattered. And I was never worried about things that weren't that important (although these things were life and death to other kids my age).

So I grew up different. I get that. But now that I'm an adult, I don't think I"m ready for it. Maybe that is why this blog is laced with nothing but my insecurity (both exposed and masked).

So many people are insecure about being themselves to others, insecure about how they look... I'm fine with both of these things (for the most part), but I am insecure about who myself is and what that means to me... This affects my decisions, my prefferences, my life experiences.

I'm not ready to have a career and a husband and a kid. I might be next week, next month, next year, but I am not right now. All of my girlfriends are having kids, my boyfriends are getting serious about thier girlfriends... I just want more time. Why am I so immature now? When did I stop being old for my age and become such a little kid? I really just need more time.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Gin Blossoms

We knew we would be rushed. Jenny (or Jennifer, as she has people call her here) didn't get off work until 5:45 and the concert started at 7. Of course she couldn't go without fixing her hair and makeup, and we knew we'd be drinking so we had to eat. We got to the casino where the concert was being held at 7:15.
Waiting in line to buy tickets at the box office, a guy comes up to us and asks if we are going to see the Gin Blossoms. Of course!!! Turns out this guy had two extra V.I.P. passes, and he gave them to us! So we saved the money on the tickets, got free food, V.I.P. access (our own table and waitress), and free drinks all night. Since we lucked out so well, we tried to pay it forward by tipping the waitress well.
The Gin Blossoms were awsome. They played their set and stayed for an encore. The lead singer was taking peoples' cell phones and singing into them, taking pictures with fans and with the band, and was out in the crowd signing autographs (Jenny got her ticket autographed). I got drunk enough to a.) lose $10.00 gambling afterwards and b.) not go to the ATM.
This weekend Jenny has been the light drinker and thus the designated driver. Talk about reversed rolls! Honestly, though, it's good for her to learn how to drink a little. In general, she can't drink without getting plowed, so this weekend has been good for her (we went to Freemont street yesterday and had some yard long drinks ((that's right, I said "some"!!))). Regretting not taking a camera either day and watching Kevin Smith be the genius he is in a great forum, I am logging off now.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Do What You Can.

Before I die, I want to have enough money to be a philanthropist. If another U.S. city goes down like New Orleans just did, I would like to be able to make a significant contribution. For this particular disaster, the most I can afford to offer is my prayer.
I am doing something proactive on a local level, though. It has completely sickened me to drive around Las Vegas and see all the people living here that have no real place to live. There are not many shelters, and the ones that do exist are not always accessible. As wrong as it sounds, I am not as worried about adults in that position. It’s the kids that upset me. Kids that end up prostituting themselves for a meal or two and that don’t have any hope of becoming much more than what they already are.
So I joined an organization called Stand Up For Kids.
I know that a few of you have respectable positions in some influential, wealthy companies. If you know of any that are looking to get involved in charity work, please pass this name along and work the “tax deductible” angle if necessary. Or, just as well, get involved! This problem exists everywhere and this organization has grown to 20 (or is it 30?) cities.
Anyhow, do what you can. That’s all any of us really can do. And if all of us really did, well, then this world would be a much better place for us to live.
P.S. Volunteering makes you feel good…

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

What I really Want

So I had my first day at school... I love it. I really do. Maybe I keep going back because I am in denial about the fact that what I really want to be when I grow up is a student...

Mobile, Porn, and Unintended Uses

News You Could Do Without Contributed by Carlo on Tuesday, August 30th, 2005 @ 12:11PM
from the tiny-naked-people dept.
Questions about the real demand for mobile porn abound in the West, but it keeps popping up in Asia, where some countries are taking big steps to stop it. Maybe selling the porn as an end in itself is the wrong business model, as some vendors in China are using porn video clips to entice people to buy their phones. They use the clips to demonstrate the video capabilities of the handsets, and load the phones full of them should a customer buy. If iTunes songs can be a loss leader for iPods, maybe porn can do the same for mobile phones.


Monday, August 29, 2005

Has Anyone?

Okay, so I finally got the link for you; the link that works!
Click!!! And enjoy!!! I love it!!!


I dropped my phone in the pool. That's right, I said it. I had a navy blue moment. Good news is that my SIM card is saved, so I still have YOUR number, but I have no way to use it at the moment. Freakin Idiot!!


I was driving to work like usual on Friday morning. It was about 5:35am, and for once I was listening to the news (I am certainly NOT in the habit of doing this). For anyone in Las Vegas reading this, I am sure you've already heard the story. For the rest of you, go to this site, and bare in mind that it is much shorter and less graphic than the picture the morning news people were painting. http://www.klas-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=3770724&nav=168XdnbY
Whenever I hear that someone dies in a car accident here, especially when it's over the weekend and near the strip, I have to wonder if they were local or not. Especially a freak accident like this one. Was there a mom, a boyfriend, a kid in Idaho somewhere waiting for mom to come home on Monday? There are only two people that know exactly what caused her to leave the cab. If she hadn't had a friend with, would they have possibly been able to identify the remains? They shut down the highway for 4 hours. Four hours. They NEVER shut the highways down, not even for pile-ups.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Yeah, you know Me.

So if you've been to my blogger before EVER, you have figured out that I love music. Mostly for the lyrics. Mostly because I love words. Yes, I am aware that I just used two fragments in a row. I had an English teacher once tell me that it is okay to break the rules of the English language once you know the rules, because there are ways to break the rules correctly. We call these "exceptions." Don't you feel a bit more educated now that I have shared my secret with you?

Anyhow, I wanted to share two of my favorite songs with you that are not of the typical Sandy-lyric-loving-persuasion; one has hardly any lyrics and the other is way too wordy. I tried to make it so that one of these songs would play when you open this link, but alas I have spent almost an hour with no success yet. I'm just not patient enough to keep going with it at the moment. Feel free, if you have the time or the inclanation, to download Beck's "Sexx Laws" and/or Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Love Rollercoaster." The latter may be a bit harder to find, some people don't realize rollercoaster is one word, and unfortunately some of these people have internet publishing jobs... Also, MXPX do some great remixes of some great oldies.

Anyhow, both of these songs make me feel good when I listen to them, the same way a country song that sounds like you life affects you. Kevin, you reading this? That's right, I have developed a liking for SOME country music now that I live in the Southwest. If it's between Kanye for the 7th time in a day or trying something new, you never know.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

He graduated NIU with a political science degree. He found a job based on his experience in the NIU alumni cash-drive call center. The job was with University of Phoenix, and he quit shortly after based on the higher moral ground he possesses. He is now in a job that can possibly be his career; he is happy and there is growth potential.
So why is this in MY little blog? Because. When he quit, he said, "Sandy, be careful of these private universities, particularly the online ones. They charge large application fees to people they prey on, people who were once in school and they know need to go back, people who..." Translation: Don't put false hope somewhere when someone wants access to your bank account.
The reason this is on my mind lately is because I am now officially enrolled in DeVry University, where one credit is the same price as three whole classes at my previous community college. The good news is that I am almost at my B.A. Thank God.

My dad has been giving me a hard time since I graduated high school about getting into the electrical union apprenticeship. I did summer help for three years; two years A card and one year C card. What this means: For two years I got into ditches and carried pipe up flights of stairs. I organized screws by size and was up and down 8' ladders. For one year I splinted wires and checked connections in the phone version of fuse boxes.
I didn't hate it, but there was absolutely no passion there for me. I would honestly rather be slinging shoes or hats than be an electrician. Why? Because everday there are different people, with different lives, different experiences... Longer term, I had my crew. I did what I could to help them in their lives, and I learned a lot from their experiences. There is an art in dealing with people. People are essays, construction is algebra. Exact.... I HATE exact...
But Had I listened to my dad all those years ago, I would be through with the apprenticeship, I would be a union member and make at least 50k per year plus have great benifits. So when I change my career path every 3 months, I hear it. I hear it again and again and again.

I am at a point where I hate talking to my dad. I mean, aside from the obvious reason (he's crazy unless he takes his pills, and he only takes them randomly...)
I just hope that he realizes that this time is the last time, and I have made a major commitment. And then the "...school that preys off of college drop outs that are really desperate to finish their degrees..." circles my brain.

In general, I am a confident person. I HATE self doubt. Hate it. This whole education thing has me there. Because I love school. I LOVE it. If I could be a professional student, I would be in school for life. But I HATE the politics...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

A bad friend.

A bad friend? A distant friend. One in the same? I hope not. Because I am really bad with calling and calling back. And this says nothing about the fact that through my life I have driven my best childhood friends away. "I was in therapy, Sandy, and I'm not going to lie to you - you're part of the reason why." That's damaging. Thanks, Conor, btw, for reminding me of that. Hooker. I have been trying to reconnect lately with people who are important to me; people who make up my spirit. Man, one has a major career, much too adult for me; one is about to move in with his girlfriend, much too adult for me; one just DID move in with his girlfriend, much too adult for me; and one's baby just won a national baby beauty pageant. MUCH too adult for me. Maybe everyone is just growing up and I'm not. Maybe that's my problem... ...I don't want to think about it today. I will think about it tomorrow...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Starting over, again.

I have now attended three different schools of higher learning. I still don't have a degree. I think my work thinks that I have one, because everyone I work with has a degree. That's why I won't give my blogger address out to anyone at work. But yesterday I enrolled in my fourth school. Most expensive school. Private university. Because we all know I don't have enough student loan debt as it is...
I start DeVry University - Henderson on August 28th. My favorite ex-boyfriend went there. He was making more money before he graduated than I am making right now. But it cost a pretty penny. It is costing me 9 times the amount of money per credit hour to attend, and it cost me the last $100 of my "going out" money this pay period for the application fee. My placement exams are on Monday (please put me in your prayers).
I have to file a FAFSA. This wouldn't be a problem to a normal student, except I believe I am default with I.S.A.C. and I haven't filed my taxes in... Wow. I think I have only filed them once or twice. As I have been a part of the work force for nine years now, this is probably not so good. The government has probably already looked at auditing me, but realized that I would always be getting refunds and doesn't want to give them to me. Long story short, I filed my income tax today. For more than one year. The pleasant thing: I got to deduct my moving expense, something I never would have thought of on my own.
I now have a "tax lady." This is something that I ridiculed my parents about having ever since I learned how to file a 1040 in high school economics, but these people are no joke; they think of everything.
I have been on the internet all day looking for scholarships. I am applying for a political one that requires me to do a public service announcement. I have already recruited a director (at the cost of precicely half the scholarship) and a possible actress. Now I just have to do my research, and it'll be smooth like butter. The PSA's are being judged by numerous people, Ron Howard among them. It means scholarship money to me and my director, but she actually stands to gain more (she is a film student and having her work looked at by Ron Howard can only be a possitive career move).
On the scholarship thing, I have written exactly three essays today. I will write many more before the year is over.
*If anyone out there is looking to invest in a talented, self motivated, driven, intelligent, organized young person with excellent written and verbal communication skills, as well as management experience and extensive use of all Microsoft Works and Office programs, please comment to this blog with your contact information.*

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

OHMIGOD, no matter what?

Fucking hell. Yeah, half of you HATE that word, but it applies here. I am from a hard-core drug family. HARD CORE. We went through some serious crap, I started adult life in deficit, and very much being my parents' parents because of drugs. And I say no matter what. Alot of my friends dabble with alot of different drugs. Being from the side that sees what happens when it's more than just a Saturday night party, and knowing that EVERYONE starts out doing what they do on Saturday nights at parties, I won't even touch pot.
I watched my parents lose everything. Everything. I watched my uncle go into hiding because he owed the "wrong people" money, and take everything he could get his hands on from my cousins. There are probably two people on this earth outside of my family that know most of the details about what went on durring those terrible, unnecessary years. Even my family members, everything is all hush-hush, so no one knows too much, details-wise.
So when one of these two people tells me a few months ago that she tried coke, okay. Chalk it up to experiment. Then she did it again. And that was it. And that in itself had me so pissed off that I'm shaking right now. Now she tells me that in a moment of weakness, she did it with her ex boyfriend a couple of nights ago. It was a rough night, ended on a bad note for them, and since then she's called his roommate to see if she could get a line.
What I don't understand, what I can not fucking grasp, is why someone who has seen what can happen can be so fucking stupid.
I know my dad didn't wake up one day and say I think I'll be a crack head. Neither did my uncle, or Mike, my mom's old best friend that took me to the water park before I had a new dad. Niether did Leonard, who grew up in my neighborhood with my mom and uncles who is now "in the custody of the state of Illinois," because he kept breaking out of his court-ordered rehab. Leonard's sister didn't ask for the addiction or to have to prostitute herself out to support the habit. Leonard's father, R.I.P., who was shot and killed when the wrong people came to his house looking for his daughter and money. My cousin didn't ask, and didn't offer, for that matter, to file for bankruptcy when he was 22 while he had a son to take care of because his dad took him for all he could.
None of these people said, hey, when i grow up, i'm going to be a druggie.
They didn't sit at the party and say this is the last time i'll take a hit before i'm addicted.
It's killing me. KILLING ME, to hear her talk like this. Like a fucking sausage. I love her too much to have to go through this with her.
I don't care how selfish it is, but I feel like everytime she takes a hit, she's looking at me and saying "Fuck you.". Very calmly, very evenly, just "Fuck you." Like nothing I went through meant anything at all.
We are all on this earth for eachother. We live for eachother and learn from eachother. It's like she's saying she doesn't need to learn from this pain, like she doesn't need to be there for me. Because taking a hit and risking that one little neuron to neuron click that only has to happen once to create an addict, is telling me Fuck You.

Friday, July 22, 2005

At the Ripe Ole' Age of 25.

At the ripe ole' age of 25, I have finally figured out how to combat a really sucky problem. The problem: I develope crushes on people when I first meet them if a)They are older than me; or b)they are experienced in whatever new situation I have come to that has caused me to meet them.

It started when I was in high school. Piercing Pagoda Mike. Mike was HOT. I was seventeen when I met him, he was 20. SSOOOOOOOOO smart. He never DIDN'T have a girlfriend. When he was done with one, he would continue on with her as he cheated on her until she found out and dumped him. He would then stay with New Girl until the cycle repeated itself. Then it was Kevin. I love Kevin, still consider him a good friend (even though our talk is minimal these days). I was 18, he was 20. Lived on my floor in the dorms, EXTREMELY intelligent, good looking, and had a thing for my roommate (yeah, Kevin, if you're reading this, I knew [lol!]). Now at this new job I have someone like this who is, let's call it "unavailable." He too is older, brilliant, and good looking.

But I notice my pattern. I only "like" him because a)I'm in a new situation, b)he is the one helping me through the transition period, and c)he's older. They're all smart, but for me that's still a prerequisite no matter how old the guy is. I'm keeping that standard. That's right, Mike helped me transition into the mall with my new job, Kevin into college, and now SomeOne into what may possibly become my career.
So I curbed it, and in hind sight (which I choose to use this time), Ican see that I have a much better success rate and ACTUAL feelings (that go beyond clinging to something imaginary) with YOUNGER GUYS. These are the guys that have seemed to pan out best for me. And, as my ID gets studied like it's a freakin prize from a CrackerJax box everywhere I go, it shouldn't be too odd =).


There is an artist named Keller Williams. Keller Williams sings a song called "Dear Emily." He is Captain Obvious in this song; it's like putting a Bradley Trevor Greive book to lyric, in a twisted sort of way. Why I love it? Download it. Listen to the guitar. It's sort of folksy; I could probably start guitar lessons now and still not be able to play this song when I turn forty. Back to appreciating things you don't like; this song is the purest example of me feeling that, because this song is definately something else.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Sunrise Mountain; Vegas Valley, NV

I'm tired. And I am not in bed. And I have to get up in 4 hours. Stupid day shift. It's not my style to see the sun come up. It's a beautiful thing, don't get me wrong. I get to see the sunrise over Sunrise Mountain everday on my way into work. There are colors in that scene that you can't find in your crayon box. But come on; if you are exposed to something alot you become desensitized to it. Sunrises should be reserved for unusual occasions; waking up together, staggering home, camping, driving long and unusual distances...

So why am I still up writing this? I have to go to bed or I am going to miss the sunrise...

Monday, July 18, 2005

Why I hate math and computer tests.

I hate math because there is only one correct answer. Ask anyone who has ever spent 10 minutes with me; this is not how I work. Computer tests are the same way. You are expected to answer a certain way and not stray, and you are instantly evaluated. The conviction in how you arrived at your answer cannot be conveyed by default; who's going to see your passion? That's why I love essay tests; I can b.s. my way through them. Anyhow, off to about 8 more computer tests...

Saturday, July 16, 2005

I'll find my own way home if I wanna...

What is going on? What?! I tell you. It just doesn't add up. I once got offended because Tom, my Freshman, called me a girlie-girl. I have always thought that I am not. I couldn't see why or how he would get that. Hello, I make fun of those girls. Maybe I justify my girliness, and anything farther to the left is what I see as vain. I sit here now thinking that I probably am a girlie-girl. Because I have recently used Nair to remove the hair from my arms. No, I am not gorilla-ish, and my arm hair was blonde, but I felt I would like to not have it. My hair (ontop of my head) has not been its natural color since I was about fourteen years old. I wear makeup all the time. I have a memebership to a tanning salon and a healthclub. Yes, I live in the desert and have a tanning package. I have recently had my teeth whitened and I started a diet two weeks ago that has already helped me to drop six pounds. My nails are done and my toe nails are red. What is natural? I spout all the time that I want people to look at me and say, wow, you have pretty hair or pretty eyes; not that's some great eye makeup or where do you get your hair done. So I try to look natural by being unnatural? What is my problem?

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

a new soul tie.

Soul ties. Do you know what they are? Okay, I'll tell you. A soul tie is a person that you connect with. Someone you can go on for years not talking to, and BAM! there they are, a phone call, a visit, at a slot machine in the airport ;),
and it's like no time has passed at all. These people are supposed to be in your life; you have or will make an impact on eachother (good or bad). Soul ties are on my mind today because I think I just made a new one. This is big, because it only happens once in a blue moon. I must now be cheesey and quote Flavia:
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same.
~ by Flavia Weedn ~

Saturday, July 09, 2005

A Poem,

Is it bad that i still have a poem from a boyfriend of almost five years ago? Is it worse that i don't know if it was meant for me? This poem touched me, only because it made me understand that other people think too. Until this point, I always just thought I was strange. I guess that in itself makes me wierd...
Trevor, if you ever happen to stumble upon this blog, i know that you know your own work. E-mail me and let me know.
the sun and the moon, still hung by waivering molds of insignificance bear no light to the elequence of life's impending tale.
astounding is what life has become quite so early, it seemed, to live and bask in the moonlight could save the soul and even prepare it for the uncertainty of the sun.
the moon bares just enough light though to show emotions locked inside a temple of gold.
what is thought to be shown within these tmeples of gold, is a self, full with convicion and understnding for life; seemingly once thought to be unknown.
inside, a shadow of light peeks around th etchings of past lives so full of passion and desire, it makes the heart jump, and your brain, for once, go home.
as a guide to fulfillment, purity and grace are shown, but the road that lies ahead surely has something remakable to behold.
never had this brain, which plageus any clue to happiness, ceased to exist so completely.
the light now shines through the gold doors, which seal the temple of the heart.
on the face of ancient beginnings, light shines a new era of confidence and truth.
sunshine now invades all five sences meant to feel this world, with all its glory.
the heart can face any peril along the way becuase of those stoic etchings bathed in light so bold.
damage to what was thought to be know, the likes of fear and doubt, can never be held so close to that place once unknown.
to find an answer used to be once every full moon, but that beautifully horrid, dim bluish light only brought more questions with an answer.
trying to know everything can be foolish, but knowing everything of nothing can never be used in the quest for purity and love.
the dim light of the moon can confuse the strongest of souls because it holds a little light to mask the darkness of deciet.
darkness has surrounded the misguided brain, but the same was tested of the heart's endless will, leading darkness to yeild.
light drives the heart to understanding, which leads darkness to retreat its lies.
the heart is safe in that temple of gold, which stands amazingly tall in these times of dispair.
the temple of gold will protect the heart because of these etchings of love and truth.
truth will carry the cross of time, destined to lead us to tomorrow.
love will always find a way because it is an extension of truth, proving that love never needs tomorrow.

If he did ever see this, he'd probably have a fit that I put it out there. He was always saying how it was not quite right yet; he needed to "tweak" it. I don't care.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Standing on the Edge of something much too deep.

So there are responsible people and there are irresponsible people. In adult life, these are two main personalitiy distinctions. Responsible people tend to be successful. Irresponsible people tend to get by. I, unfortunately, am the latter. You'd think, realizing this, that I could change it. But I am irresponsible. Some times I get pissed at myself. I don't understand why I do some of the things that I do. If I don't understand my own actions, then how in the world is anyone else supposed to be able to? I have an addictive personality. I know that. It's why I strictly limit my time in casinos, why I hardly drank in college (by normal ~ whatever that is ~ standards), and why I will not ever even consider trying any drugs. I know better; I grew up in the environment, it's in my genes, so whatever. But when you have a problem, it will find a way to manifest itself. I try and trick myself into getting addicted to things that are good for me. I figure that if my current addiction can be to cleaning or working out or organization, almost like an o.c., then the need will be gone. But IT'S NEVER GONE. Ever.
I am a preacher. I preach logic. But I don't use it. Unless I'm in a trying situation, then I tend to be more level headed than most. Maybe it's my need to be the hero. I'll listen, I'll be your friend, that's not right, how could you even think about that? This worked for me, I've heard this, I read this somewhere, I WILL HELP YOU FIX IT. Why can I do this for everyone except myself? Maybe if I am so rapped up in other peoples' problems, it gives me an excuse to ignore my own. What is wrong with me?

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

aawwww, sappy heart love friend stuff

hey jen,
sorry i didnt call you last night. I passed out as soon as i put the book down, cause i was gonna wake up at 5 to continue studying, (which i did), believe it or not. i had not read one chapter the whole quater, and we went up to chapter 8, oops. but anyway, i did fine on the final, somehow. God must have heard my prayer, and i got an A in the class. i am at the gym right now, of course checking if paul wrote me back, which he didnt. Oh my God am i sprung, he has the touch, let me tell you, the guy knows what he is doing to have me like this, lol.well fuck him, lol.

have you heard from aaron or not yet. what else is going on with you. you know, ive really been thinking it over, and it would just be literally a dream come true if you and Sandy moved back, I dont think id have to ask for anything else, i would just take everything else as it comes, as long as i had you two, there would always be a way to feel good about something, just like before, you might not realize it but besides help from my family, it was you and your sister who kept me a sane person and taught me that "everything no matter what, is gonna be ok, especially cause we have each other, I thank God for that every chance i get. you two are angels in my life, and that really is how i look at you both. let sandra take a look at this to, cause its for her just as much as it is for you. i want you both to know also that whenever you think i forgot about you, that would never happen for the simple fact that i need you both,not want to have you guys in my life but need you in my life, and i couldnt put it into any other words. i know you guys got to do what you got to do, but im not gonna stop letting you know that i want you both back here now and i cant wait till you do because something that completed me is missing and it doesnt have to be. i want to experience 21 and my young years and hard terrible times with you guys here and nobody else, I know life is full of changes but i just hate it here without you guys and i cant take this being one of the changes that i have to live with, and it really does break me apart. just want to let you know i love you both from the bottom of my heart and always will.